The Truth, My Truth
“We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both.”
This blog post is a long time coming. I have been trying for so long to find the words. The words to explain the journey I have been on. The words to adequately describe the inner battle I have been fighting. The words to help you understand.
But there truly are no exact words to do just this. So I will simply tell you my truth.
I have been lost. For the past three and a half years I have been on a journey of self-discovery, spirituality, sobriety, and healing. I had always imagined that when I got sober the first year would be hard but eventually everything would miraculously fall into place and the battle would be over. I had no idea that nearly 4 years later I would still be figuring it all out.
The journey of sobriety is comparable to the most exquisite, horrible, beautiful road trip you have ever been on. One minute you’re driving through a picturesque mountain range with the most incredible views all around you. You feel calm, blessed, and excited for whatever lies ahead until suddenly you turn a corner and find yourself entering a cold, dark tunnel that appears to have no way out. You keep driving in the hopes of finding the light but it is no where to be found. And then, as it always does, it reappears and you find yourself grateful to be on the other side.
The one good thing that comes from being lost, is the ability to be found. To find your place in the world. Your calling in life. And to begin to find where you truly belong.
I have changed. Once a girl driven by ego, tequila, drugs and the need to be the center of attention, I now find myself craving a simple life. A life that allows me to serve a greater purpose. To help women along the way. And to find my peace on a daily basis. I no longer feel drawn to the toxicity of partying, drinking, or unhealthy relationships. I crave stability. Peace. Deep connections. And a life on purpose.
This change has cost me.
It has cost me every unaligned relationship that I had in my life. It has cost me what I had believed for so long that I wanted my life to look like. It has cost me the false perceptions of perfection. It has cost me the unrealistic expectations of people that don’t understand me. It has cost me the old version of myself and has sent me on a journey to discovering the new.
I wish there was a simple formula that you could work through to get from lost to found. A path that was easy to follow. But there is not. The journey home to yourself is a long one. A dark one. A twisty-turvy one. An ever changing one. But here is what I know for myself now.
1. I will never again try to be someone that I am not. I will not try to fit myself into a box that I do not belong in simply to make those around me feel more comfortable. I am a free-spirit. A lone wolf. A wanderer. And never again will I be caged.
2. My body is simply the vessel with which I am travelling this journey. My worth is not dependent on the number on my scale. Yes, I have gained weight. The weight of guilt and shame from my past. The weight of a sugar craving that comes with a force you never expect. The weight of my mistakes. But I am also proud of me. I have accomplished something that only 3% of opioid addicts are able to do. I stayed sober. So as I continue to heal, I will love this version of me unconditionally, because she deserves it.
3. Vulnerability is my superpower. It is in having the courage to speak my truth that I finally started to remember who I truly am. It is not easy to speak what we know in our souls. We fear judgement, ridicule and shame. But when we continue to live as an inauthentic version of ourselves, we continue to need to numb out our reality. I would rather be honest than an addict.
4. Life truly is a gift. And although it is not always easy, I still struggle through the darkness from time to time, I know that everything I have survived, overcome, and persevered through has happened for me, not to me. The reason for this is bigger than me, that I know for certain.
As I move forward from here, I do not know for sure what direction my life might go, but what I do know is that I will only be showing up as me. Real, raw, authentic, vulnerable me. Because although I am anything but perfect, I am exactly who I am meant to be, and that version of me is ready to change the world.
STACEY FOLEY
Writer | Speaker | Podcaster
Host of the Soul Work Podcast